The end of summer can be a particularly busy and demanding time for children and families. Between readjusting around travel and shifting routines and preparing for a new school year, along with all the new challenges that may bring, stress levels can run high.
As we help children navigate these challenges, it is worth focusing on one of the strongest predictors of long-term well-being: resilience.
Resilience is the ability to adapt, recover, and even grow in the face of adversity. Building these skills early on allows a person to handle the bumps and bigger disappointments that everyone faces throughout life and keep moving toward their values and goals. So rather than trying to prevent children from experiencing setbacks while they’re young, the adults in their lives can equip them with the tools to face those challenges with courage, confidence, and perseverance.
A “Recipe” for Resilient Kids
Contrary to popular belief, resilience is not something children either have or lack; it is not a fixed trait. Instead, it is a set of skills that can be built over time.
While many things contribute to resilience, including genetics, five factors stand out: resilient adults, supportive relationships, emotional regulation, flexible thinking, and positive action.
These factors come from my book, The Resilience Workbook for Kids, and will also be featured in my upcoming Praxis course, Building Resilience in Youth, this October. Below, we’ll look at each factor and the elements needed to help children become more resilient.
1. Resilient kids start with resilient adults
Children learn by watching how the adults around them handle stress, disappointment, and uncertainty. We cannot remove every challenge from a child’s path, nor should we. What we can do is model how to navigate difficulties with steadiness and perspective.
Recently, I made a mistake while editing a video for the faculty at my school. At first, I felt frustrated and embarrassed, but I chose to share it openly rather than hide it. I explained what went wrong, what I learned, and how correcting it improved the result. That moment became a meaningful reminder that mistakes are part of learning and growth.
One helpful way I like to look at mistakes is as a FAIL—“First Attempt In Learning.” When we model this perspective toward setbacks, we offer children a powerful example of resilience in action.
If we want resilient children, the adults around them need to care for their own well-being, seek support when needed, and respond to challenges with flexibility so children can learn to do the same.
2. The power of strong relationships
Research consistently shows that supportive relationships are one of the strongest protective factors in building a child’s resilience.
As the old proverb notes, “A problem shared is a problem halved.” Knowing support is available makes it easier for children to take healthy risks and recover from setbacks. Supportive relationships help children feel seen, valued, and less alone in their struggles.
A caring adult, a trusted teacher, a coach who encourages effort, or a friend who listens can make a meaningful difference.
3. Learning to manage big feelings
Resilient children understand that uncomfortable emotions are a normal part of life.
Children should be taught that all feelings, including frustration, anxiety, disappointment, and sadness are welcome. In fact, we can view emotions as messengers rather than threats. When we push our emotions away or try to avoid them, we may miss important information about what truly matters to us. For example, I felt deep sadness when my dog was sick because I loved my dog. Likewise, someone may feel angry when they witness something unfair or unjust. These so-called “unpleasant” emotions are not signs that something is wrong. They are often evidence that we care deeply. Experiencing the full range of emotions is part of living a rich, meaningful life.
Over time, children learn that emotions rise and fall, are not permanent, and can be managed. The goal is not to eliminate difficult emotions but to help them recognize, express, and manage them effectively.
4. Developing flexible and realistic thoughts
How children (and adults) think about situations strongly influences how they respond. It is helpful for children to recognize unhelpful thinking patterns and shift toward more helpful ones.
When a child moves from “I failed, so I’m no good” to “This did not go the way I wanted, and I can learn from it,” they develop a way of thinking that supports resilience.
An idea I often share with clients is that “a thought is not a fact.” Just because I think something does not mean it is true. For example, I can think that this article will take a short time to write, but that does not make it true (and, in this case, it certainly wasn’t!).
One metaphor I like using to help reframe difficult experiences involves a fun fact about lobsters. A lobster only grows a new shell when its old one becomes too tight and uncomfortable. In the same way, we often grow through discomfort. This kind of flexible thinking helps children view setbacks as temporary, manageable, and even sometimes beneficial rather than fixed, defining, and “bad.”
5. Taking positive action
You cannot just talk or think about building resilience; you need to do resilience.
Doing resilience might include avoiding avoidance—facing challenges head-on, breaking a challenge into smaller steps, or practicing a skill even when it feels difficult.
I often share with clients this example: if you are afraid of swimming because you’re not very good at it yet, avoiding the water or simply talking about swimming can’t make you a better swimmer. In contrast, if you take small steps and get into the water, you build confidence and competence. You might still be scared, but as you practice, it will become easier and less frightening.
Sometimes we need to act brave, before we feel brave. Each small step forward strengthens our sense of capability and agency.
Closing Thoughts
As you can see, resilience involves a set of skills that help a person stay grounded, flexible, and steady as they navigate life’s inevitable ups and downs.
When we support these five factors—resilient adults, supportive relationships, emotional awareness, flexible thinking, and positive action—we give children the tools they need to build lifelong resilience.
To learn more and gain practical skills to bring into your work with children, join me for Building Resilience in Youth, my 4 CE hour live training starting October 15, 2026.
Scarsdale, N.Y.
The writer, a psychologist, is the author of “The Grit Guide for Teens” and a co-author of “The Resilience Workbook for Kids.”